Why Do Couples Fall Out?

One of the most common questions I hear from couples is surprisingly simple:

"What happened to us?"

When they first met, they enjoyed each other's, company, felt excited to be together, and

often imagined a future that seemed full of promise. Yet years later they can find themselves

locked in recurring arguments, feeling misunderstood, resentful, lonely, or disconnected.

It is easy to assume that relationships break down because people change. Sometimes that

is true. However, in my experience as a psychotherapist and couples therapist, many

relationships struggle not because people change, but because the fantasy of who we hoped our partner would be gradually collides with the reality of who they actually are.

This idea is reflected in Imago Relationship Theory. Without delving too deeply into the

theory itself, one of its central observations is that we often choose partners partly because

we unconsciously hope they will provide something we feel has been missing in our lives.

We may believe they will make us feel secure, understood, valued, appreciated, desired, or

loved in a particular way.

The difficulty begins when we discover that our partner is not quite the person we imagined

them to be.

The attentive partner turns out to be distracted. The confident partner becomes controlling.

The easy-going partner appears emotionally unavailable. The independent partner seems

distant. Slowly, disappointment begins to replace idealisation.

Many couples then spend years trying to persuade their partner to become the person they

hoped they had chosen in the first place.

This is where relationships can become stuck.

One partner says, "If only you would listen more."

The other says, "If only you would stop criticising me."

Each waits for the other to change first.

Over time, the relationship can become less about understanding and more about proving

who is right.

One of the reasons I became interested in couples therapy is that I realised working with

relationships requires a somewhat different set of skills from individual psychotherapy. Whilst

many therapists work very effectively with couples, I chose to undertake additional specialist

training in relationship therapy, completing a Level 5 qualification on a COSRT-approved

couples therapy programme. What struck me during that training, and what continues to

strike me in my work with couples today, is how often the problem is not a lack of love but a

breakdown in communication and a growing mismatch of expectations.

Many couples arrive in therapy believing the problem is their partner's behaviour.

Occasionally it is. More often, however, both people are caught in a cycle they no longer fully understand.

Each person feels unheard.

Each person feels misunderstood.

Each person feels disappointed.

And each person believes the other is responsible for fixing it.

Much of couples therapy involves helping partners communicate more clearly and

understand what sits underneath their frustrations. Often, beneath the anger is hurt. Beneath

the criticism is disappointment. Beneath the withdrawal is fear.

When these deeper feelings can be spoken about safely, something important begins to

change.

The focus moves away from winning.

The focus moves away from blame.

Instead, attention turns towards the relationship itself.

This is perhaps the most important shift that couples can make. In my experience,

successful relationships are rarely built upon two people constantly pursuing what is best for

themselves as individuals. Rather, they are built upon two people asking a different question:

"What is best for the relationship?"

That does not mean sacrificing your needs or becoming a martyr. It means recognising that

a healthy relationship is something both people create together. It exists between them.

When couples become locked into keeping score, demanding change, or waiting for their

partner to deliver happiness, the relationship often suffers. When both partners become

curious about their contribution to the difficulties and begin working towards the wellbeing of the relationship itself, positive change becomes much more possible.

Relationships can be challenging. They require patience, honesty, compromise, and

understanding. Yet most couples are surprised to discover that the problems they face are

often less about the specific argument and more about the patterns that sit beneath it.

Over the years, I have worked with many couples who arrived feeling stuck, exhausted, and

uncertain about the future of their relationship. Some were struggling with constant conflict,

others with emotional distance, and some found themselves having the same arguments

repeatedly without understanding why. Whilst every couple is different, it is always rewarding

to see partners develop a deeper understanding of one another and begin moving forward

together rather than remaining trapped in old patterns of blame, frustration, and

disappointment.

I am based in St Albans, Hertfordshire, and welcome couples from across the local area,

including Harpenden, Hatfield, Hemel Hempstead, Welwyn Garden City, Radlett, and the

surrounding towns and villages. Whilst I also offer online sessions, I generally believe that in-

person couples therapy provides the best environment for relationship work. So much of

what happens between two people is communicated through body language, facial

expressions, posture, and subtle emotional responses that can sometimes be missed on a

screen. Being together in the same room often allows a deeper level of understanding,

connection, and therapeutic work to take place.

Therapy cannot make your partner into someone they are not. However, it can help both of

you understand each other more clearly, communicate more effectively, and decide together

what sort of relationship you want to create.

If your relationship is struggling, or if you simply feel that the two of you have lost your way,

couples therapy can provide a safe, supportive, and constructive space to explore what is

happening and begin finding a path forward together. If you or someone you love is strugglinf with their relationship, I offer a free 20-minute introductory consultation to discuss how therapy may help. It is important to note that whilst I will initially chat to family members I will only engage with the client when they contact me themselves.

Contact me today to arrange a confidential, no-obligation chat. 

Written by Derrick Tempest

DipMSc

MBACP

Senior accredited level 7

UKCP 'C' level ScopEd

Full Clinical Psychotherapist

12 years clinical experience.